Knowing is Final
by Cubit2
Summary: A one-shot about Danny and his family's continuing struggle to deal with the aftermath of Matty's life of crime and all that resulted from it. Danny angst/emotional whump. There are some gory images mentioned.


A/N I do not own Hawaii Five-0 or any of the characters.

A/N *** Mild Spoiler *** I heard that Danny's sister Bridget will be coming to Hawaii in upcoming episode, 7.10. (She's not the mother of Eric; that's Stella.) This scene (based on episodes 5.1 through 5.4) kept coming to mind so I decided to write it down to try and put it to rest. I must admit that once I began putting it on paper, it came out very different from what my mind was first conjuring up. The setting doesn't really matter. It's just someplace very private.

A/N Special thanks to Julieb716 for reading this over and giving her very trusted stamp of approval.

H50 H50 H50

It had been a busy day. Bridget was in Hawaii for a work conference but also had some significant time to herself to enjoy the exotic locale. Danny had managed to meet her for a quick lunch and to introduce her to Steve but everything had been rushed because he was in the middle of a case. Now he had some down time and she had caught him up on all the news from home – how Dad was doing after the surgery, how Mom was dealing with being his caregiver, how Stella and their other sisters were doing, what their nieces and nephews were up to and, of course, Danny filled her in on Eric, Grace and Charlie. After being assured repeatedly that she most definitely would get a chance to finally meet Danny's son, she became gradually more subdued.

Observing the shift in her mood, Danny questioned her. "Hey, what's wrong? I promise you'll get to meet him."

"Danny's 100% guarantee?" Bridget asked with a soft grin, citing Danny's rarely used but completely reliable method of promising something.

"Of course." Danny noticed as his sister cast her eyes away again. "But, that's not what's bothering you."

"Nothing's bothering me, Danny." She fidgeted with her wedding ring.

Danny looked at her hands and then watched as she fretted her lip. "Sure there is. So why don't you get it off your chest?"

Bridget sighed. Danny had always had great instincts when it came to people. She couldn't fool him. She never could.

"Come on. You'll feel better when you say it," Danny prodded.

Bridget hesitated just a moment and then blurted it out. "What really happened to Matty?"

Danny blinked. That's not what he was expecting – at all. They had talked about Matty, how they missed him and about things they remembered, the same things that grieving people everywhere discuss. In the two years since Matt's death, however, she had never asked him anything like this, never even hinted at it. Then again, in that time they never had anything close to this kind of complete privacy before.

Upon hearing the question, Danny's mind was instantly transported back to that dark, forbidding basement. The $18.5 million that Reyes had demanded from him in exchange for his brother was in duffel bags at his feet, including the $13 million that Danny had dug up after Matt had stolen it from Reyes and buried it for safekeeping and the $5.5 million that Chin had borrowed from Gabriel to replace what Matt had used to escape the FBI. Danny still couldn't quite wrap his head around what his close friend Chin had done, couldn't quite fathom, or even more so accept, that someone would do something like that for him.

He felt he didn't deserve it; felt he could never repay it, not in a million years.

Neither could he repay Steve, the best friend he ever had, who stood beside him through everything – all the dark, ugly, evil moments – and who offered to "go through the door first." Who did that for a friend? Danny felt he didn't deserve that depth of friendship either.

No matter how undeserving Danny felt he was, Steve remained staunchly by his side in that dark, sweltering basement. He could see Marco Reyes, hear the man's taunting, gloating, threatening voice. His stomach clenched and his lungs seized and he would swear that his heart stopped beating when standing there in front of his sister, he saw, again, that dreaded barrel, his brother's first coffin.

Eternally grateful that his family never had to see and never had to smell Matty's fetid, decomposing body parts stuffed haphazardly inside that damn barrel, Danny shuddered involuntarily and gagged down the bile that was niggling his throat. Forcing his mind to form a coherent thought, forcing his mouth to pronounce them intelligibly, Danny finally spoke. "I told you…"

"I know you did, but I think there's more. Something you didn't want Mom and Pop to find out. Didn't want any of us to find out." Bridget pushed him like siblings often do.

Danny shoved those memories down knowing they would come back and haunt him that night, as they did many nights, but thankful that they would never haunt his family. He kept his response simple. "Bridg, I told you, he was killed by the people he took money from."

Bridget couldn't read people the way Danny could, but she could read Danny right now. He knew more, much more, than he was saying. "Yes you did. But now, it's just you and me here. So whatever it is you've been trying to hide so you can protect us, you can just tell me now."

"I've told you everything."

It was a flat out lie and his sister called him on it. "You're a liar."

He didn't want to be doing this. "Bridg…"

"Tell me the truth, Danny."

"Bridg, you…"

"You gunna tell me 'You can't handle the truth,' huh? Like some exasperatingly arrogant movie character?"

Torn between telling her so he could take comfort in her absolution or remaining quiet so he could spare her the horrible details and the knowledge of what he had done, Danny simply stared at her. Telling her how Matty had died, how he'd been shot in the head and cut up into pieces and stuffed inside a barrel would create an image that Bridget would never be able to shake from her head. He knew, because that image was with him all the time.

He was sure that she had come up with a number of ideas of what might have happened to their little brother. He was certain that her mind had conjured up horrific images of what he looked like behind that closed lid of the coffin. He doubted though that any of them came close to the reality that he had seen, but even if they were, it wasn't the same. Having a theory was different than knowing, just as knowing your loved one's body would decay was completely different than seeing the rotting flesh and smelling the putrid stench.

Knowing is final, as final as death. Danny should know. He lived with the knowing.

Danny was aware that, often, not knowing was a terrible burden, leaving one needing closure. But, this was different. Bridget and all the family knew enough. They knew Matt was dead. They knew he had been murdered by the people he had wronged. They had the closure they needed. Knowing more wouldn't help. Knowing more - knowing what Danny knew - could only hurt.

Finally, again choosing to spare his beloved sister the agony that knowing more would bring her rather than the relief that sharing his burden would provide, he took a deep shuddering breath and remained silent, dipping his head and turning away.

Bridget scrutinized her brother. That deeply haunted look that had accompanied Danny when he brought Matt's body home was back again, wrapped around him like a shroud. Bridget was even more certain now that there was so much more to the story than Danny had told them - something dark and evil and scary. After seeing him like this, the thought of him telling her now frightened her. What kind of burden was her brother carrying? "Danny?" Her voice soft now, tender, she simply spoke his name. He looked at her and her heart broke with the pain she saw there. "Is it really that bad?" Her voice now was barely a whisper.

Danny rubbed his hands down his face, swallowed the lump in his throat and battled back the nausea. Finally looking her in the eye again, he nodded once because he couldn't speak.

"What happened to the man who killed him? You were arrested but then exonerated." She pressed one more time for details that wouldn't come.

Thoughts of Marco Reyes once more invaded Danny's mind, his spiteful expression, his threatening tone, the single bullet hole through his forehead, the blood and brains splattered on the wall behind him, his still body dropping to the floor, the smoking gun in Danny's hand, Grace's terrified face when he was arrested…

"He won't hurt anybody again. He'll never kill somebody's brother or somebody's son or threaten somebody's daughter. Not ever again." His voice held a sharp edge. He had suffered terribly, still suffered terribly, for that assurance.

"Okay," Bridget whispered, again becoming scared of what he hadn't told her, of what she imagined Danny had done to him for killing Matt, for threatening Grace, something bad enough to be arrested and sent to a Colombian prison. She shuddered at the thought but she saw her strong, loyal, loving, big brother's haunted, broken countenance and she worked up her own strength and courage. "You don't have to handle this alone, Danny. You don't always have to be the one everybody leans on."

Fighting back tears, Danny reached his arms out and when his sister stepped to him, he pulled her into a fierce embrace, relishing in the support and understanding she gave him.

Wrapping her arms around his broad chest, Bridget returned the embrace. She loved her big brother dearly. He had always been there for her. Always. Now she would be there for him. "It's okay Danny," she murmured.

Danny fought the urge to shake his head and tell her 'no, it will never be okay'. "Matty's gone," he said instead.

"I know." Bridget broke down and sobbed in her brother's arms.

"Trust me, that's all you need to know. That's all you want to know," he now told her, clearing his throat and beginning to pull himself together again. He rubbed her back and held her tight.

"Okay." Still weeping, Bridget could feel the change as the embrace transformed from one of her comforting her brother to one of her brother comforting her. She marveled at his strength and resilience. She always had.

"Shhhh," he whispered tenderly. "I've got you."

When she finally finished crying and Danny had soothed her fears and wiped away her tears, she spoke again. "You've always been the strong one, Danny. Not necessarily the happiest, but always the strongest person I know." She pulled back now so she could look at him, so she didn't suck all of his strength into her and leave him with nothing. "It never mattered that Matty was bigger or even that Dad or the Uncles were older, you were always the strongest."

Danny wasn't sure if that was a good thing or not.


End file.
